This time last year…

Usually a person reflects on a year in their life around New Years… but today is a significant day for me.

Around this time last year, my daughter was also hospitalized for a skin infection known as cellulitis. She was only two at the time; she spent a week in the hospital, hooked up to intravenous medicines, which were given to her in two-four hour increments. Her leg was swollen with blisters and she would cry every time the doctors came in to check it. We still don’t know what caused the infection, where she got it from and the probability of her ever getting it again. But it was an experience; it was one of the most difficult parental times. She would cry every night, screaming she wanted to go home. She would want to play and be her silly self, but her movements were limited because of the IV she had in her arm. I never left her side; it broke my heart to have my little one be in SO much pain. It was a difficult time for all of us.
She made a full recovery and still has a bit of a scar today. Every time she get a bug bite, I rush her to the hospital, I think the doctors think I’m overprotective, but I don’t ever want to put my baby through an ordeal like again.

Well today is my official first year anniversary as a Health Information Management Specialist. This time last year, I began my first management position within the Health Care industry of my community’s government system. I made it, when I first took this position I was really nervous as to if I wanted to keep on ahead within the position. I know I wrote several posts regarding my hesitance in taking this job and some of the times I thought about giving up. But I made it thru the first year. WOW, I have learned so much about my people, the diseases we face together and the politics that divide us. I learned about possible futures of my people and ways and obstacles that we must overcome to survive. I learned how to take better care of myself and my family. I learned that the 21st century if full of opportunities for my tribe, if we in fact begin to listen and learn. We may learn to overcome the disease that plagues SO many of us. Even if I play only a small part in the big scheme of things, I’m VERY happy to be apart of it.

Lots of other things have changed over this year… some things for the better, some things not to sure if they are actually better… I’ve made a new life for myself and Kaydee. I’ve made new friends, lost some old ones. But in all, I think change is good. I’m thankful for the life experiences I’ve had, both good and bad. And I look forward to all the new ones that await me…

Yesterday's post...

I decided to take a quick break from my work to write a quick update for my blog…
Work is going rather well… my days are super busy lately, and I end up taking all my reading material home. I really need to get one of those fancy briefcase bag things. I saw one at Target I liked, but I just haven’t had the extra funds or time to go really look for one. Anyway, I like to take my work home with me as well. Mostly the stuff I need to read, but just don’t have the time to at my desk during the day. Anyway.
Yesterday, I got a flu shot; it didn’t really hurt too much or bother me. You know how everyone says, don’t tense up or your arm will be sore. I didn’t tense up or anything, now my arm is starting to bother me a little. I haven’t gotten a flu shot in years, I’m afraid to get shots; I can’t stand the sight of blood or needles. One time a couple years back, I went to see the movie, “Red Dragon” with my boyfriend at the time. One of the scenes had SO much blood; I almost passed out right in the theater. Now that would have been SO embarrassing!! I just put my head down, between my legs and tried to keep my composure. It’s pretty funny thinking of that now; man, I’m a dweeb!
Me and Kaydee are still settling into the new place. Things are coming together a little at a time. I emptied most of the boxes and piled the stuff to sort thru in my office/spare bedroom. I really need to get a couch!! Or something, maybe a big bean bag?? Right now, a friend lent me a chair and I have this old butterfly chair that I’m using. My coffee or side table is one of Kaydee’s toy bins. She has a big Mater blowup chair she sits on. It’s embarrassing a little not to have furniture yet. Friends always want to visit, but I have to let them know, I have no couch, so we have to sit on the floor. I hate that. :)

Starting Over...

Well its been sometime since I've written in this blog. I have been so preoccupied with the daily trials and tribulations of life, that I've just haven't had the time. Or i really don't have much to say. Honestly, I doubt anyone is really reading this. I guess I just write it, for my own amusement. :)
Well I'm starting over, in all aspects of my life. I thought about starting my blog over, but I think I got some interesting thoughts and/or opinions written thus far, I really don't want to erase them entirely. So here I go with a new post entitled 'Starting Over...'
Gosh SO much new developments. Well first and foremost, I've moved. I'm no longer living with mom, putting up with the random drama. Its sort of sad to say that and probably nothing I should be sharing, but living back at home for those brief months, I remembered EXACTLY why I moved out in the first place. It was nice to not have to worry about some of the responsibilities of running and managing a household. But I had enough. SO now me and Kaydee are on our own once more. Its nice, I have a large place, too big for just us. I need some furniture and a few things here in there but its still nice to have my own again. Kaydee is still getting used to the place, but she'll settle in soon.
Halloween is coming up and she wants to be Ninja Turtle, the blue one. Shes really excited to go trick or treating, but still a little nervous about all the scary things that come with Halloween. So well see how she does. Her dance classes are going rather well, she seems to be enjoying her time with her instructor, Dad thinks she needs to be in something else, Karate maybe. But I still want her to be my little princess.
Its sort of nice to write in my blog again, maybe this go round (my third) I will think of more interesting things to write. Hopefully...so until then...

Its me again....

WOW!! July 5th is the last post I've done...thats almost two months ago...Sorry!! (Honestly not sure if anyone is actually reading my posts.) I figured its time to do some updating...
Well recent news...I just got back from Las Vegas. I spent three days on a managers work session for my job. It was a nice little get away and it was nice to spend some time with my co-workers on a more personal level. But I have come back with a little less money in my pockets and I also picked up a slight sinus infection. So I'm a little under the weather. I have some photos from my trip, that I'll post up later.
My Kaydence Monster started Combination class on Saturday. She does 25 minutes of tap, 25 of Ballet and 10 minutes of tumbling. She was SO excited and I was glad I was able to make it to her first class. She did wonderful; one requirement for the class was she had to change from her tap shoes to her ballet shoes without any assistance. She did great!! She really seemed to enjoy the class and didn't want to leave. Its my hopes that she's able to get into something that will teach her a lot about how to be responsible, and a little more refined. Not sure if that makes sense, but i just want her to do something she will cherish and enjoy.
Well I'm coming up on my 27th birthday. Three more years and I will be 30!! I don't know what I want to do for my birthday, something fun and different. We'll see what comes up.
There is so much to write in my blog...lots of updates but I need to get ready for the week so I have lots of other stuffs to do... I'll update more later.

Random thoughts...

Sometimes, I think of the past, how sometime I wish I turn back the hands of time. Make things better or make things right. some times I wish things could just go back to the way they were. When we were young and nothing else matter. But I know, we cant. I know some heartaches are unable to be mended. I know sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes we have to just move on. And maybe someday we will find each other again. Maybe....

"Beautiful Disaster"

-Kelly Clarkson

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme I know

He’s as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to save him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right

It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

More damage than a soul should see

And do I try to change him?

So hard not to blame him

Hold on tight

Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he’s so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waited so long

So long

He’s soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He’s never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

Welcome home...

Well me and Kaydee are all settled in our place, back on the Rez. There is still unpacking to do, but the moving stuffs and cleaning of the old place is all done. So yay!! no more Casa Grande. But like I mentioned there is still lots more to do. Unpacking is now my challenge; I hope to tackle everything within the next couple of days, so hopefully we will be all settled in my next week!

Things in general:

Well this is my official last day in Casa Grande! Yay!! Saturday is moving day...so its going to be a very busy day! I'm actually a little excited about going home: wow, huh?? Part of me is sadden to leave my little apartment, its been my home for the last year but its a little comforting to know that I will be back at home with my mom. I worry about her living alone as I'm sure she feels the same about me. It will be nice for Kaydee, she can play outside, jump on the trampoline and ride her bike. She loves it on the Rez.

But just preparing for the move has been hectic! I cant believe I have so much shyte. Its funny how you never really realize all the crap you keep until you have to pack it up and move somewhere else. And i never realized how many toys I buy my daughter, until I had to sift through them and pull about less than half of them that she actually plays with.

Other news: California was great! Although my friends' gig didn't turn out how we expected, we all tried to make the most of our time in Cali. The weather was wonderful! It was nice to go outside and be comfortable. At night, it got a little chilly, sweater weather. I had never been to the beach or seen the ocean, so we definitely had to take a trip to Santa Monica Beach. Wow, it was so beautiful. The water was a little cold, I didn't get in (I cant swim) but I got my toes a little wet. It was a lot of fun! We also had a little surprise drive to the forest...haha...it was really cold up in the mountains, but the views of the city were great. Here are some pics from my trip.




Well there really is not much else to tell...so next time I write, I should be all settled in my new location!!

In My Daughters Eyes...

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

When I heard this song from Martina McBride, I cried. I was attending a dance recital for my niece and nephew, a dancer performed this song with her younger sister. I never heard this song before and the lyrics really pulled on my heart strings...

Before I became a parent, I lived, as her Dad likes to put it... 'The Life'. I was a college student, my scholarship paid all my bills, I didn't have to work. I could party until dawn and sleep until noon. All I had to worry about was homework and well that's it... I didn't have a care in the world. But once I found out I was going to have a baby, everything completely changed.
However, I wasn't at all scared. I didn't feel any type of uneasiness or discomfort with the idea of becoming a Mom. I felt like I was ready. It didn't matter what I was giving up, because I thought "Hey, I can handle it, everything will be fine." Little did I know, that little person was going to teach me a very hard lesson.

I had to drop out of school and move home. I gave up the late night outings with my friends, partying until dawn, and my frivolous spending habits. My life completely did a 180, before I even knew what happened. My daughter was born in April of 2004, I was only 23 years old. Now in today's world, this is probably out of the norm, having a child at my age, but honestly I was not ready. I thought I was mature and grown enough to handle taking care of someone. But I wasn't! Now this may sound selfish or I might get slammed or judged for write this, but I didn't feel any type of joy or comfort when I became a parent. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter, she is the only thing that has meant anything to me in my life. She is my world, my heart and soul. But I had to learn to have those feelings. I was pretty much on my own from when she was a month old. I had this little baby, totally depended on me. It was SO hard, I struggled SO much. There were times when i would just break down and cry. This was not the kind of life a imagined me to have. But I did it... I raised her into who she is today. And I raised myself into who i am today.

Now I'm not saying that I'm perfect, that I'm a perfect parent, etc...

Lately, I have NOT been. Lately I have been falling back into my old ways, ways that I had to give up long ago. I know I have changed into someone that people see as not being me. I have been trying to get back things that are long gone. I have been putting my responsibilities aside for my own selfishness. And those that I love have suffered; I have made bad decisions that are affecting those close to me. I have, in my eyes, failed.

But after hear this song, hearing the words this mother expressed about her little girl, made me realize that i have to change, I have to become the responsible, dependable woman that I know I can be. That I am inside, and the woman that people view me as. I must be the mother that my daughter had known these past years. Because like the song says:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and
I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me ...

Preparing...

Wanted to take a break from cleaning and update my blog. First off, I'm preparing to move at the end of the month. Right now, I'm just cleaning through all the junk I have accumulated here in my apartment over the last year. Kaydee has too many toys to sort through. There is just too much stuff.

Also I'm getting ready to heard out to sunny California!! A friend of mine is traveling out there for a party he is headlining; I'm super excited to go and very proud of him. I'm excited to see the scene out in Cali; its been quite I while since I have journeyed that way. Its going to be nice to get out of the heat from a while, temps here have started to climb. I forgot what it was like to be able to go outside with breaking into a sweat. haha... SO its going to be a fun weekend. I know Kaydee will have a good time with her Dad, they have been needing some time together.

Work is going good, actually, I have been filling up my days with lots to do. However, I think I'm ready to move onto something else. I have been looking at different position within my tribal organization and also other tribes governments. I'm just ready for a change.

Whats new??

Gosh... I haven't been keeping up with my posting. Sorry, for anyone who is actually reading these.
First I'm SO super excited that now Kaydence Leigh is potty trained!!! Yahoo!! She officially got off diapers and trainer pants, except during bedtime, on May 8. Its a great milestone for her, and now I can save some money...diapers are really expensive! She has to be consistent for 30-days before she can be moved onto the next classroom. She is looking well on her way to the 30-day mark! Also she is getting ready to begin her ballet classes. Yes, my little tomboy is going to start ballet. I hope she does okay; she is a really hyper child and I thought getting her involved into something where she can use some of that energy would be great!

June is going to be my last month in shitty Casa Grande. I am going to be moving back home to my mothers. Ugh!! I really hate to! I do get a long with my mom, to some degree. But I just hate the idea of me, at the age I am, moving back home... it sucks. I hope to save up some money so I have a huge down payment on a house or condo. I really hate Casa Grande, I miss the city. So I looking at Tempe or Chandler in about a year, I hope, but living with my mom, it might be sooner!
Like I said, I do get along with my mom, to a certain point. Me and her are SO much a like, that we can be best of friends one minute and then drive each other crazy the next. Being the youngest of four children, I was a Mommy's baby. I always wanted to be with mommy, go with mommy, and please mommy. As I got older, i felt like it was always hard to please mommy. I left like whatever I did wasn't good enough for her. She would always find some snude comment or remark to say and I always felt like I was such a disappointment. I don't think she intentionally wanted to make me feel this way, I think she just often didn't think before she spoke. Honestly she does the same things to me today. I don't know... I'm just ranting again...

Today, she would have been 97 years old...

When I was about 18 years old, I was getting ready to graduate high school, and I was chosen to spend three weeks in Europe for a 'graduation present'. Its was all expenses paid with spending money included; I was super excited and couldn't wait to go.
About two days before I was scheduled to leave, my grandmother became very ill and hospitalized. I second thought my decision to go on my trip and in the end, was told to go. "She would have wanted you to go..." everyone said. So I before I left, I visited my grandmother in the hospital; she was totally out of it. The Dr.s had to strap her down to her bed, 'for her safety', they told us. She didn't recognize me, and kept saying I want to go with him... pointing toward her room window. I was totally freaked out! This was not the image I wanted to see, this was not the grandmother I knew, not the woman who helped raise me... who taught me to be a proud Native American woman, not the strong women who taught me so much. It was so hard seeing her that way, its hard to think about it now...

But little did I know that was going to be the last time I saw her...

My grandmother passed away in June 1999. While I was river rafting down the Swiss Alps, she was going home to see 'Creator'. The whole time I was away, everyone was telling me that she was going to be fine... She was making a full recovery. To this day, i really don't know if she was getting better, or if that is just what they told me so I wouldn't worry. In Italy, I bought her some silk scarfs... and in Paris, I brought her a pic of the Eiffel Tower near a harbor and boat. Little did I know, she would never see any of those things...

When I returned home, all I could think about was, why did I go... why did I leave the one person who needed me there. All I could think about was how I never got to say goodbye. My home life was completely turned upside down... When I arrived home from about a 13 hour flight, I immediately ran to her room... it was empty... only a chair, dresser, and a picture hung on the wall.. that was all that was left. I lost a part of my heart when I went to Europe... I was never the same... I did give my grandmother her scarfs and Eiffel Tower picture. I placed them in her casket, before they laid her in the ground.

Later, after the funeral and everything had kinda calmed down... my mom sat me down and told me something that I still fight with today. Apparently, a couple of days before my grandmother got sick and before my trip... she (my mom) and my grandmother were talking, while they were getting ready for the day. My grandmother had a dream the previous night, she dreamt that she went with me on my trip. She told my mom, that we went on a big boat, over the ocean, and saw SO many things... things she never thought she would see... and the whole time, while she was with me... I never knew she was there. She felt like she was my angel, watching me see these awesome things, and places. She was experiencing these moments though me... and I never knew she was there. God, just thinking about it now, brings tears to my eyes. My mom said she was so excited about her dream, so excited for me about my trip... you could hear it in her voice...
I always wonder if I didn't go to Europe, would she still be here... Maybe if I would have stayed here and helped her... would she still be alive today... I felt like maybe her spirit wanted to come with me so bad...that this was the way to go with me... I always think, maybe I should have stayed... just maybe...

Today, she would be turning 97 years old... God, I Miss her SO much!!

Wow, its been a while...

its been about two weeks since I've written a post. Not much has been going on lately. Friday night, I helped some friends out with their monthly event 'First Fridays', in the Downtown art district. It was lots of fun, and even got Cybernetik a 30 minute spot. He did great, I was SUPER proud. I hope this encourages him to get out there more. I know how much he enjoys spinning the DnB and hopefully this is just step one of a great road ahead!! It was also great seeing a lot of old friends that came out to support him. yes, he was loved that night!!! :)
Hum.... what else. Well I have decided to put my education on hold right now. You're probably thinking: again??? But yes, again! My degree is so demanding and right now I think I need to focus all my time and attention on my little Kaydee monster. She is growing up so fast, that i feel like I'm missing so much! A friend once told me that no matter what happens in life, we should always appreciate those that love and care for us. Not to get blinded by success, to value what we do have in life. Its funny, when she first told or wrote this to me, I totally agreed with her. But lately or over the past year, I have become something more that who I really am. I got blinded by money and success. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be successful in life, I feel that I am, somewhat. But right now, I don't want to sacrifice any more time with my daughter. Its funny, how I wish I would have realized this long ago. maybe things would be different for 'us' right now.... maybe... its something to think about.

Getting a little EMO!!

Haha! Now yes, I have noticed things are getting a little TOO EMO around here. Also in my life too!! Yes, I have been on an emotional roller coaster these days. But just sitting here reading some of my old posts...damn, enough is enough! I'm tried of worry about stupid shyte. Who does what, who doesn't do this or that! I'm letting all the shyte phase me! And is not worth it anymore. Its not worth all the stress and anxiety I put myself through. Peeps are going to be who they are, good or bad. Why stress over things you have no control over? (Some once told me that) Things are just the way they are. I really need to just appreciate what I have!
Looking on my life, yes, things are a little hard, yes, I wish I could change somethings, or repair somethings. But it ain't happening, so why fuss over it.
I have a beautiful daughter, loving family, great friends. I have money in my pocket, a roof over my head, clothes on my back and reliable transportation. What they hell is wrong with me?!?
I just need to get over the drama and start living my life. Not dwell on what I can't change, right??

I always try to remember the prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can change and change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!!!"

Its official, I'm a loser!

Well, I have been toying with the idea of hanging up my scholastic hat and I think I've decided to do just that. Or either changing my major. I love programming, I like scripting, and make things happen on the computer, but it just doesn't seem fulfilling anymore. Maybe is the position I'm in, but its what I want or thought I wanted to do with my life. Things aren't challenging anymore, no excitement, no nothing. Except boredom.
Before I was a Data Manager, I was a Secretary for our tribal Finance department. I really like the job, what I did, everyone was really nice. Its was an awesome job. But I needed more pay so I moved into my current position. I have to admit, I was really blinded by the dollar signs. I saw the opportunity to make more money, and jumped on it. Which looking back on things now, it was probably a mistake.
I thinking about changing schools and possibly exploring Accounting or Business Administration. Accounting is looking attractive, because its black and white. With numbers, you always get an answer, (someone once told me). The answer is in front of you, you just have to find it. Business Admin, because it sounds good. My tribe is growing economically, and going on in various business ventures. I would definitely like to be apart of that! I have this feeling that our tribe is going to be very profitable within the new stuffs that they are going to be going in on. But we have to wait and see.
This may all just be me talking out my ass, but I'm seriously considering changing things. I don't know, well just have to see what comes up...

Who gives a shit???

Its funny how you think you know everything. Its funny how you think your life is going the way it needs to, that everything and everyone in it, is SO awesome. Then something or someone gets thrown into or out of the mix and everything falls apart. Everything and everyone you thought meant anything to you, doesn't give a shyte about you now. Its funny how they never called before and now they want to be your best friend. Its funny how before they were your best friend, and now you never hear from them. Its funny how someone claims to be your best friend and now, they are the ones that cause you the most pain. Its funny how those that claim to be your family, don't give two thoughts about you now. And those that are new to your life, seem to be the only ones that truly understand you.
Where is all this coming from?? If you really know me, and even care, then you know.
Sometimes I feel like giving it all up, in someways I have. Those that I thought would always be there, were some of the first to give up on me. Its hard to deal with sometimes. Moving forward... but she makes it all worth it, my little one is the only bright light in my world. She is what gets me through the rough times. Its funny how, all of them are turning their backs on me, (I hope they know) they are doing the same thing to her. Those that TRULY love and care for her, have been there for us, all these years!! And the one who should've been the one to stand by us, is running forward with their life, moving forward with others. While me and her sit here, wondering if we even matter to anyone.
But she is my world and always will be!! The only person that has meant anything to me. I do everything for her, she is what gets me up every morning, making her world the best I can is the only priority to me! Its hard... really hard; doing it all on my own. But she is worth it, her happiness is what only matters, now!

Random thoughts...

I thought I posted this, but I guess I forgot to...

A couple of days ago, my sister attended a funeral for a co-workers daughter. Apparently the girl had committed suicide; she was only 11 years old. Hearing this, makes me feel so upset. What can possibly be going on to make this child (yes, shes a child) take her own life? I mean 11 years old, that's like fifth grade, she didn't even know what is was like to live! it really saddens me!
I have a niece that's 10 years old. Shes my baby, she was the first of my nieces and nephews, the first baby I was around and helped raise. I don't know what any of my family would do if something happened to her. I love her like my own, she is...like I said, my baby. Its hard to image what could going through this young girls head, that would make her think, that leaving this world is the only way out. It saddens me to think, that there are probably other young kids thinking the same thing. What is happening to our society, that our CHILDREN are choosing to leave us. I look at my daughter, and think, what is the world going to be like when she is 11 years old? Its crazy.
Now, I have to admit, I have had my own personal issues. I have had several occasions, where I too, have fallen short. (You could say) And have thought things too. Not until I was older, high school maybe. But at 11, I was just a kid, enjoying playing with my sister and my cat and going to school, playing in the school band. Its just SO sad that now, young kids are in trouble.
But sadly, this is not the first occurrence of someone this young taking their own life around here. I remember a couple of years back, another child did the same thing. And I think another one a couple of weeks after that. What is happening here??? What is going on??? And is there any way to stop this from happening again?? So many questions come into my mind... what could I do as a parent, to help these kids, or my own kid from walking down the same path?
Its really scary, to think about stuffs like that... hmmm. But really what could be done? Anything??

~What a weekend!!~

My weekend started off decent. Had some Cheesecake Factory Friday night! Yummy! I have been craving some Cheesecake factory, their club sandwich is the BOMB!! And their 'JWs lemonade' is rather tasty too!

Saturday, was a little down hill. I ended up getting the worst hair cut of my life!! I usually go to 'Toni & Guy' hair salon. Its a little pricey, but I like to have peeps cut my hair what know what they are doing. However, such as NOT the case!! My usual girl was out, so I ended up with someone else! It took two freakin hours to cut my hair; the girl didn't know what to do. I didn't think it was that difficult. She kept having to ask one else how to do this, or that. Its was awful!! The cut came out as best it could, but its really short. The manager gave me my cut at 20% discount. So I was somewhat satisfied. But I guess I have to find another place to cut my hair. I was pissed!

Sunday, was a good day. its was my little girls birthday party. I like to have her parties at Peter Piper Pizza, less hassle. They cook all the food, decorate and entertain the kids. I just have to show up, serve the food and cake, and pay. They also clean up, added bonus. The party went good, Kaydee really enjoyed herself. I didn't get to see her much during the party, she was out playing with her cousins. She had a great time. Her father and I got her a kids digital camera and tricycle. She loved them both and has been taking lots of pictures. I want to make a little slide show titled: "The World Thru the Eyes of Kaydee". Maybe I have a future photographer on my hands. I think she is going to be something like that, artistic. She really enjoys drawing, and dancing. Nothing like me, I couldn't draw anything to save my life. And I don't have any type of rhythm and balance for dancing.

Its funny how we want our children to somehow follow in our footsteps. I try to get Kaydee interactive with the computer, but no go. Sadly she doesn't seem to interested in it, unlike me when I was younger. Any time I had and a computer was nearby, I was on it. Its funny to think about that now, I would just look at encyclopedias, dictionaries, play OregoTrail, whatever I could. (Yes, this was before the Internet). Wow, so long ago.

Another post

I finally decided to write another post. I have been so busy lately, i haven't had any time to write anything. I;m not really sure if anyone is reading them, probably just James. oh well, Hi Jim! hehe.
Tuesday, my 'Kaydence Leigh turned three'. (That's the theme for her party on Sunday). Anyway, well like I mentioned she was bit under the weather on Tuesday. Thankfully, the Drs couldn't find anything wrong with her. She is fine now, i guess it was just one of those twenty four hour things. Me and her father took her to the movies that day. She's been wanting to see the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie. She loved it! She couldn't take her eyes off the screen. Which was a good thing, i rarely take her to the movies, its hard with a toddler. But she was really interested in the movie. We also did a little shopping, and had lunch with dad. So in all, I think she had a great birthday. This weekend is her party with her whole family. it should be exciting. I have a few more end to tie up, getting candy bags together, a few more decorations, but in all I think we are ready.
On Wednesday, I attended the Phoenix Suns game with my family. I actually had a great time. I'm not really sports too much, I mean its okay, just not my thing. The reason I decided to go, is my niece and nephew are in a dance team with their school and they performed during the pre-game show. They did a great job! I always enjoy watching them perform. Actually the first time I saw them dance, (my nephew did a solo) I cried. Its hard to imagine them growing up so fast. It was heart tugging. Anyway, I really enjoyed the game, got hang out with my older brother, which was awesome, since it has been a while since I actually hung out with him. It always nice to talk and laugh with him. Hes a real character; he makes the party a 'party'.
My brother is 11 years older than me, growing up, he was always a little mean to me. As most brothers are to their little sisters. But we would always have fun! He would make up games and stuff for me and my sister to do. I remember one summer, me, my sister, my two brothers and some of their friends, all had a water balloon fight. Growing up in Arizona, you did all you could to stay cool during the summer months! Occasionally he would take us to Sunsplash and stuff like that. He is a good big brother; I love him a lot!



(A pic of him and my nephew Alan.



More pics of my family outing. Vannah, waiting to get in... Court Shot. My other niece enjoying some pizza.



My favorite family, enjoying the game. And my nephew promoting Peter Piper.

My poor baby, home sick on her birthday!

Well today is Kaydee 3rd birthday!! Yes, she is turning three, how the time has flew!! I had an awesome day planned out; first her father and I were going to take some cupcake over the her school for she can celebrate with her friends from school. Then out to dinner just the two of us, and cake and ice cream! Unfortunately she is home sick today! I picked her up from school yesterday, with a temperature of 101. Gave her some meds when we got home; that seemed to help. We had dinner with her Dad, which is always a treat to her. Got some ice cream and headed home. The meds were able to keep her temp down, but she woke up hot again in the middle of the night. My poor baby!! Right now, she is resting at home. Thankfully her Dad was able to come over and sit with her while I came into work. Even though she is under the weather, I'm sure she is having a blast with Daddy. I know she enjoys the time she's able to spend with him. This weekend is her actual birthday party. So I have to get her rested up and fully recovered so she can enjoy that!

I hate everything....oh and Happy Easter!!

Well today is Easter Sunday. It was the usual today, eating with the family. But what is a family get together without DRAMA! Its wasn't too much drama, but there was some, enough to get me to pack up my little one and head home.
My weekend, was decent, started off on Thursday, hanging, watch some movies and grubbing on some pizza. I really need to borrow the flick we watched, I missed the ending. But its was a good movie. But my weekend was tiring. I'm still recovering now. Maybe that why I'm not in such a good mood today. But its Sunday, beginning of the week, hopefully things will be better tomorrow. I really need to finish up on my homework, Ive really been dragging my feet on getting it done.
Right now, I'm listening to some George Strait. (Yes, I like some country). And feeling down on my self. Usually country kinda does that... that sounds funny. But lately I have been wanting to go two-stepping. I don't know how, but it sounds like fun. My friend, Gary goes, and been telling me I should join him sometime. Maybe I will...
But like I mentioned I have been in a real funk lately. Just thinking about a lot of b#llsh!t stuff.
That's a whole other blog... I'll save that for next time! Gotta get back to work...

A little shy..

Well I got back one mid-term, just three points shy of an 'A'! I'm happy, but I would have been even more if it was an 'A'. I'll settle for a 'B'. Now I'm just waiting on my other test, but i feel confident about it.

I just finished up the Evites to Kaydee party. Thank god for the Internet, the party is only a couple of weeks and I still have to get out the actual invites for those that don't have Internet access or I don't have an email addy for them.

Umm, there is nothing much else going on... I know, I said things are going to be more interesting in this blog, but right now, there is not much to report. Getting ready to head out to lunch with two of my best friends, which is going to be nice, I haven't seen them for a while, we have a once-a-week lunch date agreement, but we've been slacking. Yummy, I'm ready for some Chinese!!

The last couple of days...

Were Interesting. :) Well I stayed home with my little one on Thursday, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning. Friday I tried to bring her into school, so I can get to work, however the teacher found one nit left and said to try again on Monday. Rats!! I was a little upset, but oh well, it was Friday. We just spent the day at home, which actually turned out to be alright, because I had to take my mid-terms. I thought they went rather well. I felt comfortable answering the essay questions, and got most/all of the multi-choice right. So hopefully the grades will be posted soon.

Saturday, I went to a rave. Ugh!! What a night! The night started off good. I picked up a friend to go with at about 9:30. There was no bar at the Rave venue, so we decided to get a couple of drinks before we headed over. After some Sky and Red Bull, I was feeling great. We got to the venue at about 10:20, which was great, because my friend, who I was wanting to see play, didn't go on until 11:00, so I had about 40 minutes to get in. The 40 minutes came and went.... the line was moving very slowly! I was pissed!! By the time we finally got into the party, my buzz was gone, and Jay (Substation) was almost done with his set. Yes, it took us about 1 1/2 hours to get in. I caught the last track of his set and everyone was loving it!! I was so upset, I felt SO bad... I really wanted to see him play. He understood and said theres always next time... :(


The rest of the party was awesome, I esp. enjoyed Sonique's set. She dropped some awesome tunes, it has been a while since I heard someone lay a set down like that! It was great, I danced my tutti off, met a lot of cool peeps and had a great time. Here are some pics from the party. ( I know the quality is a little shyte, the camera on my phone is not to good)

And the diagnosis is...

HEAD LICE!!!
Ugh!! I'm home again for the next couple of days. Yes, my little one has head lice, probably something I shouldn't be broadcasting, but I'm really pissed. I have no idea where she got it from. Possibly school, which is what makes me so upset, because I pay a lot of money, so she can attend the center, and she comes home with lice. Head lice is SO disgusting, but unfortunately very common. So all afternoon, I have been cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning. I vacuumed my entire apartment, fumigated everything that I could, shampooed and combed her hair, etc, etc. I wish she was a boy, so I could just shave her head. After this, I probably will cut her hair. Something short and cute. Hopefully they wont be coming back. However, policy at the childcare center, she cant come back for 24 hours. So I will be home again tomorrow.
But that may be a good thing. Its mid-term week for school, so time to buckle down. I have been really slacking off with my studies, which might turn out horribly with my degree, but its my own fault. I just cant get into working... on school or at work. Maybe its the change of weather, who knows. I think I just get bored with things easily.... not to sure.
Umm, what else... I finally going to a rave this weekend. Its been such a long time since I have gone, I cant even remember the last one I attended. I'm really excited. A friend of mine is doing a live set that night. Which is great, since its been about 5 years since I have seen him play. So that will probably be the highlight of the night. I'll write more about that, after the party. :)

That time of year...

April is rapidly approaching. Its always a busy month of me. The most important day, is my baby's birthday! She is turning three this year. Gosh, how time flies!! It doesn't seem like it has been three years. She has grown up so fast. Last year, we had a family trip to the zoo and a small party at grandmas. This year, we are going to have a pizza party, like we did for her first birthday. I am also going to have a small party at her school, with her little friends there. its funny, this is going to be her first birthday party with friends. :)
So much has happened over the past year, both good and bad. She finally started at a child care center, or to her school. She started potty training, learned how to ride a tricycle. Discovered 'Cars' and skateboarding. Her new favorite movie, "The Devil Wears Prada". She has really grown...and I know she has so much more to do and learn. She's learning her colors, shapes, numbers (both in O'otham and Spanish). She is such a smart girl.

Another post...

Well I thought I should write another post. I haven't written anything in a while, but honestly nothing has really been going on. I had a decent weekend, mostly worked on homework, since I have been slacking off in that department. I also tried to clean my apt. since I'm not going to be home for a couple of days. That didn't turn out so great either. Went to dinner with Kaydee and her dad on Saturday, which was really nice. I know she enjoys the time we have together, as a family. Thought about taking her to the movies, she wants to see the new Ninja Turtles movie, don't ask. I really don't know where she gets these things from. She really likes to watch those I guess Animations show, where the people fight, etc. Its weird, well I should say weird, its just her exploring, I guess.

I'm actually staying at my moms on the Rez for the next week. My sister and her hubby went out of town, so I'm helping my mom watch her kids. God, I'm so thankful I only have one, I don't know how my sister or anyone else with more than one kid, does it. Its so stressful, or maybe its just because I'm used to having just the one. I dont know, but its going to be an interseting week!

But its been nice to be back home, on the Rez. Its nice to sit outside and relax, without looking at neighbors, and the busyness of town. My mom has a trampoline in her backyard, so me and Kaydee jumped around for a while. Then we laid down on it and looked at the sky, bugs flying around and airplanes. It was really nice to spend sometime with her, just one-on-one. Usually I'm so busy with work, homework, or cleaning. I try to spend as much time with her as I can, but sometimes I do have to tend to other things. But I guess its all apart of being a mommy.

Is money all that important???

Ugh!!! I hate when people talk down to me! I know I am qualified for the job that I am in, or at least someone does, that's why I got the position in the first place. I hate it so much when others who are not my superiors tell me how to do my job! I feel like they perhaps think that I don't know what the hell I am doing. God, it aggravates me so much, I know what needs to be done, I have done it. I know where the directions of the projects are going, I have laid all the baselines, etc, etc. I have a coworker who feels that have to direct me and make sure I'm doing things a certain way. And it bugs me, I know where I am on different projects, I know what else needs to be completed. I know what I cant completed, do to lack of support.

I know I maybe young, and yes, this is my first management position. But I feel that I am more than capable of performing successfully in my job. Don't others have confidence in me??? And if they don't why?? or should that even matter, their opinion?? I don't know. I am actually thinking maybe of looking for another job. But I know that I will not be able to make as much money as I do now. But really is money that important?? I used to think it wasn't. But now I'm carry all the bags: home, car, school, kid, etc, etc. And hey I like to spend money, and buy useless things.

But honestly I was happier when I made less money, my life felt full and I felt successful. Now, I kinda dread going to work. It should be exciting and challenging. Its just kinda blah...

A great message...

I received the enclosed message in my inbox this morning. I just wanted to post it, it made me feel so special, it actually made me cry, maybe someone out there might enjoy it too...

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Be fore I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minute s to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

What the F#(K happened????

A couple of nights ago, me and a friend were having dinner and we started to talk about the old raving days. Now I used to be a guess what would be classified as a "Raver". i had the baggie pants, tee-shirts, kid backpack, and of course, Kandy. LOL!! Pretty funny to think about those days now. I attended my first rave in the Summer of 1999. Thanks to my good friend Jim, who took me and introduced me to a scene that would for ever change my life. I instantly fell in love. With the music, people, etc. the whole environment. It was something that I never experience before and I knew that I somehow belonged there. (Maybe it was just the drugs.. haha)
Anyway, my friend recommend a site Living Art, which has tons of old pics from back in the day. So while I'm sitting here waiting for 5:00 to hit, I thought why not..
Damn, where did the time go... Looking at all those old photos, even some where I'm in the background, it brought tears to my eyes. I know, that sounds so corny, but it did. I remember those days like it was yesterday. Partying out in the desert, being the first to arrive, and one of the last to leave, when the sun came up...Watching the sun rise over the mountain, with Trance music blasting in the background. It was something else. I was lucky! One of the lucky ones to catch the end of the last underground desert parties. Before the Ice House, or Nile. Under the stars, in natures arena, it was beautiful.
All those old pics, so long ago. I wonder if some of those peeps still rave. Are the still out there somewhere. Or are they like me, with a family and with responsibilities. And only go party when they can or when there is an awesome DJ in town. I wonder???
The scene has definitely changed, tons of new faces, a lot of new kids.... But the scene is still going strong, I think... But its nice to think about all those years ago, and laugh at all the good times I had. It does bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.. But in the end those days, were some of the best times in my life!!!

Friends come and go...

Well its Monday... I hate Mondays. Why cant we work only two days out of the week and hang out for five. Maybe its just me, but its always hard to get out of bed on Monday mornings; for both Kaydee and me. Anyway, nothing much to report, I'm working a presentation for a new program I'm implementing at work. I have to present everything to my boss tomorrow. I hate speaking in front of peeps, but oh well, I have to. The presentation is almost done, just a few loose ends to tie up.
A friend of mine is actually on his way to Miami right this minute, how nice huh?? That is so awesome! Esp. since its getting so hot here. I would definitely like to get away and relax on the beach. Lucky bastard, I'm so jealous, he going to see a lot of cool DJs and party in cool clubs, ugh!! :) I always wanted to do that, lately with all the craziness going on in my life, I kinda thinking maybe i should get away for a while. I have family up in New York, maybe I should go that way. Its just something I've been thinking about.
Anyway, I started school again. I'm in my third week of an eight week session. I;m really close to finishing my degree. I cant wait, I'm so excited to final have that degree in my hands. I can feel that its in my grasp. Then what?? Off to ASU for my Graduate degree in Epidemiology. Your probably thinking, what the hell is epidemiology and why graduate degree. I actually thinking the same thing....

Aloha Festival

Today, I went to the "Arizona Aloha Festival' with my family. It was really cool to see all the exhibitors and performers. Makes me want to go to Hawaii! I should, sometime...
Anyway, spent too much money on stuffs and even cooked a little, literally. It was mad hot out there, the car read a temperature of 103 on the way home. Damn!! I hate hot Phoenix, I need to move some place cooler, maybe Cali?? Something to think about it...
We left the festival about 1:00 and went eat some bomb ass Mexican food at the Matador. It was nice, here's a pic of Kaydee in front of the fountain they have there, we all had a great time...

Me again...

Well I deleted my old blog, because honestly it was pretty boring. You probably noticed the tumbleweeds rolling by. Ha ha Anyway, I wasn't keeping up with it, and it just got old. So here is my first posting in my new blog. I also got a new title and layout; the title seems fitting with all the new stuff that has been happening in my life lately.
Anyway, things will be more interesting, I promise!