Gosh... I haven't been keeping up with my posting. Sorry, for anyone who is actually reading these.
First I'm SO super excited that now Kaydence Leigh is potty trained!!! Yahoo!! She officially got off diapers and trainer pants, except during bedtime, on May 8. Its a great milestone for her, and now I can save some money...diapers are really expensive! She has to be consistent for 30-days before she can be moved onto the next classroom. She is looking well on her way to the 30-day mark! Also she is getting ready to begin her ballet classes. Yes, my little tomboy is going to start ballet. I hope she does okay; she is a really hyper child and I thought getting her involved into something where she can use some of that energy would be great!
June is going to be my last month in shitty Casa Grande. I am going to be moving back home to my mothers. Ugh!! I really hate to! I do get a long with my mom, to some degree. But I just hate the idea of me, at the age I am, moving back home... it sucks. I hope to save up some money so I have a huge down payment on a house or condo. I really hate Casa Grande, I miss the city. So I looking at Tempe or Chandler in about a year, I hope, but living with my mom, it might be sooner!
Like I said, I do get along with my mom, to a certain point. Me and her are SO much a like, that we can be best of friends one minute and then drive each other crazy the next. Being the youngest of four children, I was a Mommy's baby. I always wanted to be with mommy, go with mommy, and please mommy. As I got older, i felt like it was always hard to please mommy. I left like whatever I did wasn't good enough for her. She would always find some snude comment or remark to say and I always felt like I was such a disappointment. I don't think she intentionally wanted to make me feel this way, I think she just often didn't think before she spoke. Honestly she does the same things to me today. I don't know... I'm just ranting again...
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Today, she would have been 97 years old...
When I was about 18 years old, I was getting ready to graduate high school, and I was chosen to spend three weeks in Europe for a 'graduation present'. Its was all expenses paid with spending money included; I was super excited and couldn't wait to go.
About two days before I was scheduled to leave, my grandmother became very ill and hospitalized. I second thought my decision to go on my trip and in the end, was told to go. "She would have wanted you to go..." everyone said. So I before I left, I visited my grandmother in the hospital; she was totally out of it. The Dr.s had to strap her down to her bed, 'for her safety', they told us. She didn't recognize me, and kept saying I want to go with him... pointing toward her room window. I was totally freaked out! This was not the image I wanted to see, this was not the grandmother I knew, not the woman who helped raise me... who taught me to be a proud Native American woman, not the strong women who taught me so much. It was so hard seeing her that way, its hard to think about it now...
But little did I know that was going to be the last time I saw her...
My grandmother passed away in June 1999. While I was river rafting down the Swiss Alps, she was going home to see 'Creator'. The whole time I was away, everyone was telling me that she was going to be fine... She was making a full recovery. To this day, i really don't know if she was getting better, or if that is just what they told me so I wouldn't worry. In Italy, I bought her some silk scarfs... and in Paris, I brought her a pic of the Eiffel Tower near a harbor and boat. Little did I know, she would never see any of those things...
When I returned home, all I could think about was, why did I go... why did I leave the one person who needed me there. All I could think about was how I never got to say goodbye. My home life was completely turned upside down... When I arrived home from about a 13 hour flight, I immediately ran to her room... it was empty... only a chair, dresser, and a picture hung on the wall.. that was all that was left. I lost a part of my heart when I went to Europe... I was never the same... I did give my grandmother her scarfs and Eiffel Tower picture. I placed them in her casket, before they laid her in the ground.
Later, after the funeral and everything had kinda calmed down... my mom sat me down and told me something that I still fight with today. Apparently, a couple of days before my grandmother got sick and before my trip... she (my mom) and my grandmother were talking, while they were getting ready for the day. My grandmother had a dream the previous night, she dreamt that she went with me on my trip. She told my mom, that we went on a big boat, over the ocean, and saw SO many things... things she never thought she would see... and the whole time, while she was with me... I never knew she was there. She felt like she was my angel, watching me see these awesome things, and places. She was experiencing these moments though me... and I never knew she was there. God, just thinking about it now, brings tears to my eyes. My mom said she was so excited about her dream, so excited for me about my trip... you could hear it in her voice...
I always wonder if I didn't go to Europe, would she still be here... Maybe if I would have stayed here and helped her... would she still be alive today... I felt like maybe her spirit wanted to come with me so bad...that this was the way to go with me... I always think, maybe I should have stayed... just maybe...
Today, she would be turning 97 years old... God, I Miss her SO much!!
About two days before I was scheduled to leave, my grandmother became very ill and hospitalized. I second thought my decision to go on my trip and in the end, was told to go. "She would have wanted you to go..." everyone said. So I before I left, I visited my grandmother in the hospital; she was totally out of it. The Dr.s had to strap her down to her bed, 'for her safety', they told us. She didn't recognize me, and kept saying I want to go with him... pointing toward her room window. I was totally freaked out! This was not the image I wanted to see, this was not the grandmother I knew, not the woman who helped raise me... who taught me to be a proud Native American woman, not the strong women who taught me so much. It was so hard seeing her that way, its hard to think about it now...
But little did I know that was going to be the last time I saw her...
My grandmother passed away in June 1999. While I was river rafting down the Swiss Alps, she was going home to see 'Creator'. The whole time I was away, everyone was telling me that she was going to be fine... She was making a full recovery. To this day, i really don't know if she was getting better, or if that is just what they told me so I wouldn't worry. In Italy, I bought her some silk scarfs... and in Paris, I brought her a pic of the Eiffel Tower near a harbor and boat. Little did I know, she would never see any of those things...
When I returned home, all I could think about was, why did I go... why did I leave the one person who needed me there. All I could think about was how I never got to say goodbye. My home life was completely turned upside down... When I arrived home from about a 13 hour flight, I immediately ran to her room... it was empty... only a chair, dresser, and a picture hung on the wall.. that was all that was left. I lost a part of my heart when I went to Europe... I was never the same... I did give my grandmother her scarfs and Eiffel Tower picture. I placed them in her casket, before they laid her in the ground.
Later, after the funeral and everything had kinda calmed down... my mom sat me down and told me something that I still fight with today. Apparently, a couple of days before my grandmother got sick and before my trip... she (my mom) and my grandmother were talking, while they were getting ready for the day. My grandmother had a dream the previous night, she dreamt that she went with me on my trip. She told my mom, that we went on a big boat, over the ocean, and saw SO many things... things she never thought she would see... and the whole time, while she was with me... I never knew she was there. She felt like she was my angel, watching me see these awesome things, and places. She was experiencing these moments though me... and I never knew she was there. God, just thinking about it now, brings tears to my eyes. My mom said she was so excited about her dream, so excited for me about my trip... you could hear it in her voice...
I always wonder if I didn't go to Europe, would she still be here... Maybe if I would have stayed here and helped her... would she still be alive today... I felt like maybe her spirit wanted to come with me so bad...that this was the way to go with me... I always think, maybe I should have stayed... just maybe...
Today, she would be turning 97 years old... God, I Miss her SO much!!
Wow, its been a while...
its been about two weeks since I've written a post. Not much has been going on lately. Friday night, I helped some friends out with their monthly event 'First Fridays', in the Downtown art district. It was lots of fun, and even got Cybernetik a 30 minute spot. He did great, I was SUPER proud. I hope this encourages him to get out there more. I know how much he enjoys spinning the DnB and hopefully this is just step one of a great road ahead!! It was also great seeing a lot of old friends that came out to support him. yes, he was loved that night!!! :)
Hum.... what else. Well I have decided to put my education on hold right now. You're probably thinking: again??? But yes, again! My degree is so demanding and right now I think I need to focus all my time and attention on my little Kaydee monster. She is growing up so fast, that i feel like I'm missing so much! A friend once told me that no matter what happens in life, we should always appreciate those that love and care for us. Not to get blinded by success, to value what we do have in life. Its funny, when she first told or wrote this to me, I totally agreed with her. But lately or over the past year, I have become something more that who I really am. I got blinded by money and success. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be successful in life, I feel that I am, somewhat. But right now, I don't want to sacrifice any more time with my daughter. Its funny, how I wish I would have realized this long ago. maybe things would be different for 'us' right now.... maybe... its something to think about.
Hum.... what else. Well I have decided to put my education on hold right now. You're probably thinking: again??? But yes, again! My degree is so demanding and right now I think I need to focus all my time and attention on my little Kaydee monster. She is growing up so fast, that i feel like I'm missing so much! A friend once told me that no matter what happens in life, we should always appreciate those that love and care for us. Not to get blinded by success, to value what we do have in life. Its funny, when she first told or wrote this to me, I totally agreed with her. But lately or over the past year, I have become something more that who I really am. I got blinded by money and success. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be successful in life, I feel that I am, somewhat. But right now, I don't want to sacrifice any more time with my daughter. Its funny, how I wish I would have realized this long ago. maybe things would be different for 'us' right now.... maybe... its something to think about.
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