Today, she would have been 97 years old...

When I was about 18 years old, I was getting ready to graduate high school, and I was chosen to spend three weeks in Europe for a 'graduation present'. Its was all expenses paid with spending money included; I was super excited and couldn't wait to go.
About two days before I was scheduled to leave, my grandmother became very ill and hospitalized. I second thought my decision to go on my trip and in the end, was told to go. "She would have wanted you to go..." everyone said. So I before I left, I visited my grandmother in the hospital; she was totally out of it. The Dr.s had to strap her down to her bed, 'for her safety', they told us. She didn't recognize me, and kept saying I want to go with him... pointing toward her room window. I was totally freaked out! This was not the image I wanted to see, this was not the grandmother I knew, not the woman who helped raise me... who taught me to be a proud Native American woman, not the strong women who taught me so much. It was so hard seeing her that way, its hard to think about it now...

But little did I know that was going to be the last time I saw her...

My grandmother passed away in June 1999. While I was river rafting down the Swiss Alps, she was going home to see 'Creator'. The whole time I was away, everyone was telling me that she was going to be fine... She was making a full recovery. To this day, i really don't know if she was getting better, or if that is just what they told me so I wouldn't worry. In Italy, I bought her some silk scarfs... and in Paris, I brought her a pic of the Eiffel Tower near a harbor and boat. Little did I know, she would never see any of those things...

When I returned home, all I could think about was, why did I go... why did I leave the one person who needed me there. All I could think about was how I never got to say goodbye. My home life was completely turned upside down... When I arrived home from about a 13 hour flight, I immediately ran to her room... it was empty... only a chair, dresser, and a picture hung on the wall.. that was all that was left. I lost a part of my heart when I went to Europe... I was never the same... I did give my grandmother her scarfs and Eiffel Tower picture. I placed them in her casket, before they laid her in the ground.

Later, after the funeral and everything had kinda calmed down... my mom sat me down and told me something that I still fight with today. Apparently, a couple of days before my grandmother got sick and before my trip... she (my mom) and my grandmother were talking, while they were getting ready for the day. My grandmother had a dream the previous night, she dreamt that she went with me on my trip. She told my mom, that we went on a big boat, over the ocean, and saw SO many things... things she never thought she would see... and the whole time, while she was with me... I never knew she was there. She felt like she was my angel, watching me see these awesome things, and places. She was experiencing these moments though me... and I never knew she was there. God, just thinking about it now, brings tears to my eyes. My mom said she was so excited about her dream, so excited for me about my trip... you could hear it in her voice...
I always wonder if I didn't go to Europe, would she still be here... Maybe if I would have stayed here and helped her... would she still be alive today... I felt like maybe her spirit wanted to come with me so bad...that this was the way to go with me... I always think, maybe I should have stayed... just maybe...

Today, she would be turning 97 years old... God, I Miss her SO much!!