Things in general:

Well this is my official last day in Casa Grande! Yay!! Saturday is moving day...so its going to be a very busy day! I'm actually a little excited about going home: wow, huh?? Part of me is sadden to leave my little apartment, its been my home for the last year but its a little comforting to know that I will be back at home with my mom. I worry about her living alone as I'm sure she feels the same about me. It will be nice for Kaydee, she can play outside, jump on the trampoline and ride her bike. She loves it on the Rez.

But just preparing for the move has been hectic! I cant believe I have so much shyte. Its funny how you never really realize all the crap you keep until you have to pack it up and move somewhere else. And i never realized how many toys I buy my daughter, until I had to sift through them and pull about less than half of them that she actually plays with.

Other news: California was great! Although my friends' gig didn't turn out how we expected, we all tried to make the most of our time in Cali. The weather was wonderful! It was nice to go outside and be comfortable. At night, it got a little chilly, sweater weather. I had never been to the beach or seen the ocean, so we definitely had to take a trip to Santa Monica Beach. Wow, it was so beautiful. The water was a little cold, I didn't get in (I cant swim) but I got my toes a little wet. It was a lot of fun! We also had a little surprise drive to the forest...haha...it was really cold up in the mountains, but the views of the city were great. Here are some pics from my trip.




Well there really is not much else to tell...so next time I write, I should be all settled in my new location!!

In My Daughters Eyes...

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

When I heard this song from Martina McBride, I cried. I was attending a dance recital for my niece and nephew, a dancer performed this song with her younger sister. I never heard this song before and the lyrics really pulled on my heart strings...

Before I became a parent, I lived, as her Dad likes to put it... 'The Life'. I was a college student, my scholarship paid all my bills, I didn't have to work. I could party until dawn and sleep until noon. All I had to worry about was homework and well that's it... I didn't have a care in the world. But once I found out I was going to have a baby, everything completely changed.
However, I wasn't at all scared. I didn't feel any type of uneasiness or discomfort with the idea of becoming a Mom. I felt like I was ready. It didn't matter what I was giving up, because I thought "Hey, I can handle it, everything will be fine." Little did I know, that little person was going to teach me a very hard lesson.

I had to drop out of school and move home. I gave up the late night outings with my friends, partying until dawn, and my frivolous spending habits. My life completely did a 180, before I even knew what happened. My daughter was born in April of 2004, I was only 23 years old. Now in today's world, this is probably out of the norm, having a child at my age, but honestly I was not ready. I thought I was mature and grown enough to handle taking care of someone. But I wasn't! Now this may sound selfish or I might get slammed or judged for write this, but I didn't feel any type of joy or comfort when I became a parent. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter, she is the only thing that has meant anything to me in my life. She is my world, my heart and soul. But I had to learn to have those feelings. I was pretty much on my own from when she was a month old. I had this little baby, totally depended on me. It was SO hard, I struggled SO much. There were times when i would just break down and cry. This was not the kind of life a imagined me to have. But I did it... I raised her into who she is today. And I raised myself into who i am today.

Now I'm not saying that I'm perfect, that I'm a perfect parent, etc...

Lately, I have NOT been. Lately I have been falling back into my old ways, ways that I had to give up long ago. I know I have changed into someone that people see as not being me. I have been trying to get back things that are long gone. I have been putting my responsibilities aside for my own selfishness. And those that I love have suffered; I have made bad decisions that are affecting those close to me. I have, in my eyes, failed.

But after hear this song, hearing the words this mother expressed about her little girl, made me realize that i have to change, I have to become the responsible, dependable woman that I know I can be. That I am inside, and the woman that people view me as. I must be the mother that my daughter had known these past years. Because like the song says:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and
I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me ...

Preparing...

Wanted to take a break from cleaning and update my blog. First off, I'm preparing to move at the end of the month. Right now, I'm just cleaning through all the junk I have accumulated here in my apartment over the last year. Kaydee has too many toys to sort through. There is just too much stuff.

Also I'm getting ready to heard out to sunny California!! A friend of mine is traveling out there for a party he is headlining; I'm super excited to go and very proud of him. I'm excited to see the scene out in Cali; its been quite I while since I have journeyed that way. Its going to be nice to get out of the heat from a while, temps here have started to climb. I forgot what it was like to be able to go outside with breaking into a sweat. haha... SO its going to be a fun weekend. I know Kaydee will have a good time with her Dad, they have been needing some time together.

Work is going good, actually, I have been filling up my days with lots to do. However, I think I'm ready to move onto something else. I have been looking at different position within my tribal organization and also other tribes governments. I'm just ready for a change.