Yesterday's post...

I decided to take a quick break from my work to write a quick update for my blog…
Work is going rather well… my days are super busy lately, and I end up taking all my reading material home. I really need to get one of those fancy briefcase bag things. I saw one at Target I liked, but I just haven’t had the extra funds or time to go really look for one. Anyway, I like to take my work home with me as well. Mostly the stuff I need to read, but just don’t have the time to at my desk during the day. Anyway.
Yesterday, I got a flu shot; it didn’t really hurt too much or bother me. You know how everyone says, don’t tense up or your arm will be sore. I didn’t tense up or anything, now my arm is starting to bother me a little. I haven’t gotten a flu shot in years, I’m afraid to get shots; I can’t stand the sight of blood or needles. One time a couple years back, I went to see the movie, “Red Dragon” with my boyfriend at the time. One of the scenes had SO much blood; I almost passed out right in the theater. Now that would have been SO embarrassing!! I just put my head down, between my legs and tried to keep my composure. It’s pretty funny thinking of that now; man, I’m a dweeb!
Me and Kaydee are still settling into the new place. Things are coming together a little at a time. I emptied most of the boxes and piled the stuff to sort thru in my office/spare bedroom. I really need to get a couch!! Or something, maybe a big bean bag?? Right now, a friend lent me a chair and I have this old butterfly chair that I’m using. My coffee or side table is one of Kaydee’s toy bins. She has a big Mater blowup chair she sits on. It’s embarrassing a little not to have furniture yet. Friends always want to visit, but I have to let them know, I have no couch, so we have to sit on the floor. I hate that. :)

Starting Over...

Well its been sometime since I've written in this blog. I have been so preoccupied with the daily trials and tribulations of life, that I've just haven't had the time. Or i really don't have much to say. Honestly, I doubt anyone is really reading this. I guess I just write it, for my own amusement. :)
Well I'm starting over, in all aspects of my life. I thought about starting my blog over, but I think I got some interesting thoughts and/or opinions written thus far, I really don't want to erase them entirely. So here I go with a new post entitled 'Starting Over...'
Gosh SO much new developments. Well first and foremost, I've moved. I'm no longer living with mom, putting up with the random drama. Its sort of sad to say that and probably nothing I should be sharing, but living back at home for those brief months, I remembered EXACTLY why I moved out in the first place. It was nice to not have to worry about some of the responsibilities of running and managing a household. But I had enough. SO now me and Kaydee are on our own once more. Its nice, I have a large place, too big for just us. I need some furniture and a few things here in there but its still nice to have my own again. Kaydee is still getting used to the place, but she'll settle in soon.
Halloween is coming up and she wants to be Ninja Turtle, the blue one. Shes really excited to go trick or treating, but still a little nervous about all the scary things that come with Halloween. So well see how she does. Her dance classes are going rather well, she seems to be enjoying her time with her instructor, Dad thinks she needs to be in something else, Karate maybe. But I still want her to be my little princess.
Its sort of nice to write in my blog again, maybe this go round (my third) I will think of more interesting things to write. Hopefully...so until then...

Its me again....

WOW!! July 5th is the last post I've done...thats almost two months ago...Sorry!! (Honestly not sure if anyone is actually reading my posts.) I figured its time to do some updating...
Well recent news...I just got back from Las Vegas. I spent three days on a managers work session for my job. It was a nice little get away and it was nice to spend some time with my co-workers on a more personal level. But I have come back with a little less money in my pockets and I also picked up a slight sinus infection. So I'm a little under the weather. I have some photos from my trip, that I'll post up later.
My Kaydence Monster started Combination class on Saturday. She does 25 minutes of tap, 25 of Ballet and 10 minutes of tumbling. She was SO excited and I was glad I was able to make it to her first class. She did wonderful; one requirement for the class was she had to change from her tap shoes to her ballet shoes without any assistance. She did great!! She really seemed to enjoy the class and didn't want to leave. Its my hopes that she's able to get into something that will teach her a lot about how to be responsible, and a little more refined. Not sure if that makes sense, but i just want her to do something she will cherish and enjoy.
Well I'm coming up on my 27th birthday. Three more years and I will be 30!! I don't know what I want to do for my birthday, something fun and different. We'll see what comes up.
There is so much to write in my blog...lots of updates but I need to get ready for the week so I have lots of other stuffs to do... I'll update more later.

Random thoughts...

Sometimes, I think of the past, how sometime I wish I turn back the hands of time. Make things better or make things right. some times I wish things could just go back to the way they were. When we were young and nothing else matter. But I know, we cant. I know some heartaches are unable to be mended. I know sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes we have to just move on. And maybe someday we will find each other again. Maybe....

"Beautiful Disaster"

-Kelly Clarkson

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme I know

He’s as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to save him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right

It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

More damage than a soul should see

And do I try to change him?

So hard not to blame him

Hold on tight

Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he’s so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waited so long

So long

He’s soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He’s never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

Welcome home...

Well me and Kaydee are all settled in our place, back on the Rez. There is still unpacking to do, but the moving stuffs and cleaning of the old place is all done. So yay!! no more Casa Grande. But like I mentioned there is still lots more to do. Unpacking is now my challenge; I hope to tackle everything within the next couple of days, so hopefully we will be all settled in my next week!

Things in general:

Well this is my official last day in Casa Grande! Yay!! Saturday is moving day...so its going to be a very busy day! I'm actually a little excited about going home: wow, huh?? Part of me is sadden to leave my little apartment, its been my home for the last year but its a little comforting to know that I will be back at home with my mom. I worry about her living alone as I'm sure she feels the same about me. It will be nice for Kaydee, she can play outside, jump on the trampoline and ride her bike. She loves it on the Rez.

But just preparing for the move has been hectic! I cant believe I have so much shyte. Its funny how you never really realize all the crap you keep until you have to pack it up and move somewhere else. And i never realized how many toys I buy my daughter, until I had to sift through them and pull about less than half of them that she actually plays with.

Other news: California was great! Although my friends' gig didn't turn out how we expected, we all tried to make the most of our time in Cali. The weather was wonderful! It was nice to go outside and be comfortable. At night, it got a little chilly, sweater weather. I had never been to the beach or seen the ocean, so we definitely had to take a trip to Santa Monica Beach. Wow, it was so beautiful. The water was a little cold, I didn't get in (I cant swim) but I got my toes a little wet. It was a lot of fun! We also had a little surprise drive to the forest...haha...it was really cold up in the mountains, but the views of the city were great. Here are some pics from my trip.




Well there really is not much else to tell...so next time I write, I should be all settled in my new location!!

In My Daughters Eyes...

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

When I heard this song from Martina McBride, I cried. I was attending a dance recital for my niece and nephew, a dancer performed this song with her younger sister. I never heard this song before and the lyrics really pulled on my heart strings...

Before I became a parent, I lived, as her Dad likes to put it... 'The Life'. I was a college student, my scholarship paid all my bills, I didn't have to work. I could party until dawn and sleep until noon. All I had to worry about was homework and well that's it... I didn't have a care in the world. But once I found out I was going to have a baby, everything completely changed.
However, I wasn't at all scared. I didn't feel any type of uneasiness or discomfort with the idea of becoming a Mom. I felt like I was ready. It didn't matter what I was giving up, because I thought "Hey, I can handle it, everything will be fine." Little did I know, that little person was going to teach me a very hard lesson.

I had to drop out of school and move home. I gave up the late night outings with my friends, partying until dawn, and my frivolous spending habits. My life completely did a 180, before I even knew what happened. My daughter was born in April of 2004, I was only 23 years old. Now in today's world, this is probably out of the norm, having a child at my age, but honestly I was not ready. I thought I was mature and grown enough to handle taking care of someone. But I wasn't! Now this may sound selfish or I might get slammed or judged for write this, but I didn't feel any type of joy or comfort when I became a parent. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter, she is the only thing that has meant anything to me in my life. She is my world, my heart and soul. But I had to learn to have those feelings. I was pretty much on my own from when she was a month old. I had this little baby, totally depended on me. It was SO hard, I struggled SO much. There were times when i would just break down and cry. This was not the kind of life a imagined me to have. But I did it... I raised her into who she is today. And I raised myself into who i am today.

Now I'm not saying that I'm perfect, that I'm a perfect parent, etc...

Lately, I have NOT been. Lately I have been falling back into my old ways, ways that I had to give up long ago. I know I have changed into someone that people see as not being me. I have been trying to get back things that are long gone. I have been putting my responsibilities aside for my own selfishness. And those that I love have suffered; I have made bad decisions that are affecting those close to me. I have, in my eyes, failed.

But after hear this song, hearing the words this mother expressed about her little girl, made me realize that i have to change, I have to become the responsible, dependable woman that I know I can be. That I am inside, and the woman that people view me as. I must be the mother that my daughter had known these past years. Because like the song says:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and
I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me ...