Things in general:

Well this is my official last day in Casa Grande! Yay!! Saturday is moving day...so its going to be a very busy day! I'm actually a little excited about going home: wow, huh?? Part of me is sadden to leave my little apartment, its been my home for the last year but its a little comforting to know that I will be back at home with my mom. I worry about her living alone as I'm sure she feels the same about me. It will be nice for Kaydee, she can play outside, jump on the trampoline and ride her bike. She loves it on the Rez.

But just preparing for the move has been hectic! I cant believe I have so much shyte. Its funny how you never really realize all the crap you keep until you have to pack it up and move somewhere else. And i never realized how many toys I buy my daughter, until I had to sift through them and pull about less than half of them that she actually plays with.

Other news: California was great! Although my friends' gig didn't turn out how we expected, we all tried to make the most of our time in Cali. The weather was wonderful! It was nice to go outside and be comfortable. At night, it got a little chilly, sweater weather. I had never been to the beach or seen the ocean, so we definitely had to take a trip to Santa Monica Beach. Wow, it was so beautiful. The water was a little cold, I didn't get in (I cant swim) but I got my toes a little wet. It was a lot of fun! We also had a little surprise drive to the forest...haha...it was really cold up in the mountains, but the views of the city were great. Here are some pics from my trip.




Well there really is not much else to tell...so next time I write, I should be all settled in my new location!!

In My Daughters Eyes...

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

When I heard this song from Martina McBride, I cried. I was attending a dance recital for my niece and nephew, a dancer performed this song with her younger sister. I never heard this song before and the lyrics really pulled on my heart strings...

Before I became a parent, I lived, as her Dad likes to put it... 'The Life'. I was a college student, my scholarship paid all my bills, I didn't have to work. I could party until dawn and sleep until noon. All I had to worry about was homework and well that's it... I didn't have a care in the world. But once I found out I was going to have a baby, everything completely changed.
However, I wasn't at all scared. I didn't feel any type of uneasiness or discomfort with the idea of becoming a Mom. I felt like I was ready. It didn't matter what I was giving up, because I thought "Hey, I can handle it, everything will be fine." Little did I know, that little person was going to teach me a very hard lesson.

I had to drop out of school and move home. I gave up the late night outings with my friends, partying until dawn, and my frivolous spending habits. My life completely did a 180, before I even knew what happened. My daughter was born in April of 2004, I was only 23 years old. Now in today's world, this is probably out of the norm, having a child at my age, but honestly I was not ready. I thought I was mature and grown enough to handle taking care of someone. But I wasn't! Now this may sound selfish or I might get slammed or judged for write this, but I didn't feel any type of joy or comfort when I became a parent. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter, she is the only thing that has meant anything to me in my life. She is my world, my heart and soul. But I had to learn to have those feelings. I was pretty much on my own from when she was a month old. I had this little baby, totally depended on me. It was SO hard, I struggled SO much. There were times when i would just break down and cry. This was not the kind of life a imagined me to have. But I did it... I raised her into who she is today. And I raised myself into who i am today.

Now I'm not saying that I'm perfect, that I'm a perfect parent, etc...

Lately, I have NOT been. Lately I have been falling back into my old ways, ways that I had to give up long ago. I know I have changed into someone that people see as not being me. I have been trying to get back things that are long gone. I have been putting my responsibilities aside for my own selfishness. And those that I love have suffered; I have made bad decisions that are affecting those close to me. I have, in my eyes, failed.

But after hear this song, hearing the words this mother expressed about her little girl, made me realize that i have to change, I have to become the responsible, dependable woman that I know I can be. That I am inside, and the woman that people view me as. I must be the mother that my daughter had known these past years. Because like the song says:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and
I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me ...

Preparing...

Wanted to take a break from cleaning and update my blog. First off, I'm preparing to move at the end of the month. Right now, I'm just cleaning through all the junk I have accumulated here in my apartment over the last year. Kaydee has too many toys to sort through. There is just too much stuff.

Also I'm getting ready to heard out to sunny California!! A friend of mine is traveling out there for a party he is headlining; I'm super excited to go and very proud of him. I'm excited to see the scene out in Cali; its been quite I while since I have journeyed that way. Its going to be nice to get out of the heat from a while, temps here have started to climb. I forgot what it was like to be able to go outside with breaking into a sweat. haha... SO its going to be a fun weekend. I know Kaydee will have a good time with her Dad, they have been needing some time together.

Work is going good, actually, I have been filling up my days with lots to do. However, I think I'm ready to move onto something else. I have been looking at different position within my tribal organization and also other tribes governments. I'm just ready for a change.

Whats new??

Gosh... I haven't been keeping up with my posting. Sorry, for anyone who is actually reading these.
First I'm SO super excited that now Kaydence Leigh is potty trained!!! Yahoo!! She officially got off diapers and trainer pants, except during bedtime, on May 8. Its a great milestone for her, and now I can save some money...diapers are really expensive! She has to be consistent for 30-days before she can be moved onto the next classroom. She is looking well on her way to the 30-day mark! Also she is getting ready to begin her ballet classes. Yes, my little tomboy is going to start ballet. I hope she does okay; she is a really hyper child and I thought getting her involved into something where she can use some of that energy would be great!

June is going to be my last month in shitty Casa Grande. I am going to be moving back home to my mothers. Ugh!! I really hate to! I do get a long with my mom, to some degree. But I just hate the idea of me, at the age I am, moving back home... it sucks. I hope to save up some money so I have a huge down payment on a house or condo. I really hate Casa Grande, I miss the city. So I looking at Tempe or Chandler in about a year, I hope, but living with my mom, it might be sooner!
Like I said, I do get along with my mom, to a certain point. Me and her are SO much a like, that we can be best of friends one minute and then drive each other crazy the next. Being the youngest of four children, I was a Mommy's baby. I always wanted to be with mommy, go with mommy, and please mommy. As I got older, i felt like it was always hard to please mommy. I left like whatever I did wasn't good enough for her. She would always find some snude comment or remark to say and I always felt like I was such a disappointment. I don't think she intentionally wanted to make me feel this way, I think she just often didn't think before she spoke. Honestly she does the same things to me today. I don't know... I'm just ranting again...

Today, she would have been 97 years old...

When I was about 18 years old, I was getting ready to graduate high school, and I was chosen to spend three weeks in Europe for a 'graduation present'. Its was all expenses paid with spending money included; I was super excited and couldn't wait to go.
About two days before I was scheduled to leave, my grandmother became very ill and hospitalized. I second thought my decision to go on my trip and in the end, was told to go. "She would have wanted you to go..." everyone said. So I before I left, I visited my grandmother in the hospital; she was totally out of it. The Dr.s had to strap her down to her bed, 'for her safety', they told us. She didn't recognize me, and kept saying I want to go with him... pointing toward her room window. I was totally freaked out! This was not the image I wanted to see, this was not the grandmother I knew, not the woman who helped raise me... who taught me to be a proud Native American woman, not the strong women who taught me so much. It was so hard seeing her that way, its hard to think about it now...

But little did I know that was going to be the last time I saw her...

My grandmother passed away in June 1999. While I was river rafting down the Swiss Alps, she was going home to see 'Creator'. The whole time I was away, everyone was telling me that she was going to be fine... She was making a full recovery. To this day, i really don't know if she was getting better, or if that is just what they told me so I wouldn't worry. In Italy, I bought her some silk scarfs... and in Paris, I brought her a pic of the Eiffel Tower near a harbor and boat. Little did I know, she would never see any of those things...

When I returned home, all I could think about was, why did I go... why did I leave the one person who needed me there. All I could think about was how I never got to say goodbye. My home life was completely turned upside down... When I arrived home from about a 13 hour flight, I immediately ran to her room... it was empty... only a chair, dresser, and a picture hung on the wall.. that was all that was left. I lost a part of my heart when I went to Europe... I was never the same... I did give my grandmother her scarfs and Eiffel Tower picture. I placed them in her casket, before they laid her in the ground.

Later, after the funeral and everything had kinda calmed down... my mom sat me down and told me something that I still fight with today. Apparently, a couple of days before my grandmother got sick and before my trip... she (my mom) and my grandmother were talking, while they were getting ready for the day. My grandmother had a dream the previous night, she dreamt that she went with me on my trip. She told my mom, that we went on a big boat, over the ocean, and saw SO many things... things she never thought she would see... and the whole time, while she was with me... I never knew she was there. She felt like she was my angel, watching me see these awesome things, and places. She was experiencing these moments though me... and I never knew she was there. God, just thinking about it now, brings tears to my eyes. My mom said she was so excited about her dream, so excited for me about my trip... you could hear it in her voice...
I always wonder if I didn't go to Europe, would she still be here... Maybe if I would have stayed here and helped her... would she still be alive today... I felt like maybe her spirit wanted to come with me so bad...that this was the way to go with me... I always think, maybe I should have stayed... just maybe...

Today, she would be turning 97 years old... God, I Miss her SO much!!

Wow, its been a while...

its been about two weeks since I've written a post. Not much has been going on lately. Friday night, I helped some friends out with their monthly event 'First Fridays', in the Downtown art district. It was lots of fun, and even got Cybernetik a 30 minute spot. He did great, I was SUPER proud. I hope this encourages him to get out there more. I know how much he enjoys spinning the DnB and hopefully this is just step one of a great road ahead!! It was also great seeing a lot of old friends that came out to support him. yes, he was loved that night!!! :)
Hum.... what else. Well I have decided to put my education on hold right now. You're probably thinking: again??? But yes, again! My degree is so demanding and right now I think I need to focus all my time and attention on my little Kaydee monster. She is growing up so fast, that i feel like I'm missing so much! A friend once told me that no matter what happens in life, we should always appreciate those that love and care for us. Not to get blinded by success, to value what we do have in life. Its funny, when she first told or wrote this to me, I totally agreed with her. But lately or over the past year, I have become something more that who I really am. I got blinded by money and success. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be successful in life, I feel that I am, somewhat. But right now, I don't want to sacrifice any more time with my daughter. Its funny, how I wish I would have realized this long ago. maybe things would be different for 'us' right now.... maybe... its something to think about.

Getting a little EMO!!

Haha! Now yes, I have noticed things are getting a little TOO EMO around here. Also in my life too!! Yes, I have been on an emotional roller coaster these days. But just sitting here reading some of my old posts...damn, enough is enough! I'm tried of worry about stupid shyte. Who does what, who doesn't do this or that! I'm letting all the shyte phase me! And is not worth it anymore. Its not worth all the stress and anxiety I put myself through. Peeps are going to be who they are, good or bad. Why stress over things you have no control over? (Some once told me that) Things are just the way they are. I really need to just appreciate what I have!
Looking on my life, yes, things are a little hard, yes, I wish I could change somethings, or repair somethings. But it ain't happening, so why fuss over it.
I have a beautiful daughter, loving family, great friends. I have money in my pocket, a roof over my head, clothes on my back and reliable transportation. What they hell is wrong with me?!?
I just need to get over the drama and start living my life. Not dwell on what I can't change, right??

I always try to remember the prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can change and change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!!!"